I was reading a talk given by Elder Eyring called "Gifts of Love: A Christmas Message". It's one of those talks that were made into a book/pamphlet thing. But in the middle this passage caught my eye and I thought it gave such a great message.

"We have a great high priest, that is passed into the heavens, Jesus the Son of God...For we have not an high priest which cannot be touched with the feeling of our infirmities; but was in all points tempted like as we are, yet without sin. Let us therefore come boldly unto the throne of grace, that we may obtain mercy, and find grace to help in time of need. (Hebrews 4:14-16)

I bear you my testimony that Jesus gave that gift freely, willingly, to us all. He said: 'Therefore doth my Father love me, because I lay down my life, that I might take it again. No man taketh it from me, but I lay it down of myself' (John 10:17-18). All men and women come into this life with that gift. They will live again, and if they will, they may live with him.

And I bear you testimony that as you accept that gift, given through infinite sacrifice, it brings joy to the giver. Jesus taught, 'I say unto you, that...joy shall be in heaven over one sinner that repenteth, more than over ninety and nine just persons, which need no repentance' (Luke 15:7).

If that warms you as it does me, you may well want to give a gift to the Savior. Others did at his birth. Knowing what we know, how much more do we want to give him something? But he seems to have everything. Well, not quite. He doesn't have you with him again forever, not yet. I hope you are touched by the feelings of his heart enough to sense how much he wants to know you are coming home to him. You can't give that gift to him in one day, or one Christmas, but you could show him today that you are on the way. You could pray. You could read a page of scripture. you could keep a commandment."

Isn't it great to know that even though we all have big things to work on, each day we can show the Lord we are trying just by doing the simple things. What a great gift to remember today!

This blog will go on...

Unlike the Titanic, this blog will go on. I've had several people ask this question (thank you for making me feel loved). I hit a lazy streak and then the inevitable happened. Do I spend hours and hours playing catch up, or start fresh...I still don't know, although I have kept a list of extremely meaningful things I know everyone would love to hear about :D Then there were the camera issues and now computer issues. But, I have the stirrings beginning inside of me again and I am sure updates will begin soon. In the mean time:

MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE!!!!

4th of July

This year for the 4th we went to my brothers house, on the farm.

I had a blast playing with my nieces, wandering around the

farm and the fire works...well that is a different story.

This was about the extent of the fireworks.

And Hailey went a little crazy with these sparklers!

Every year a neighbor of Jeff's puts on a firework show that is amazing.

They spend about a $1,000 to make everything perfect. As the night

wore on nothing was happening so Cambria went on the top of the horse trailer

with the binoculars to get us an update but,

unfortunately this was the first

year they didn't do a thing.

Cambria with her dog Echo.

Hailey showing off her chickens, one lays blue eggs.

The BBQ was awesome,

chatting with family and friends was great and

I think life on the farm was perfect...for a day.

Memorial day

More gail force winds from the gem state.

Trees

Our strong, large, beautiful, tree was no match

for a gust of Idaho wind. We're lucky it didn't blow

two inches to the left or it would have

been the new decoration for our living room!

Cute girls

We had some cute girls from the neighborhood

come and start playing in our backyard.

They left us some cute messages.

thank you for letting us play

You are nice people

Happy mothers day

Easter Eggs

I'm not sure what was up with Ashlyn but they are

priceless pictures for future boyfriend embarrassment!

Did I mention that on a dare from his father, Sam drank half

of the orange coloring...that was one orange mouth!! I wish

I had thought about getting a picture of that, I think

I was just in shock!!!

To Dad...I love you

On this birthday I wrapped my dad's chocolates in

duct tape so he could use his knife to open it!

Dad did you know?

Dad did you know when I came to stay with you I questioned all my knowledge?

My experience with special needs was priceless for me to know.

But for you to need that special help I plead all I knew you'd never have to know.

Dad did you know our adventures together sometimes made me crazy?

The broken down truck, beings stung by the bee's, but not all adventures turned out like these.

Everyday drives turned into musical road shows with windows rolled down and the oldies a rockin'.

Dad did you know afternoons on the swing meant so much to me. I laughed at your farm stories, especially "the puss-eyed" cow, but I learned so much more from the man you are. We had teary talks of your sweet testimony and how you wanted your family to be: "faithful in the church know matter how hard things get, because we will be an eternal family and I won't take anything less."

Dad did you know conversations on the swing soon changed for all time.

Instead of happy cheerful talks a question came that still haunts my mind..

"Shelley, things aren't go so well, I know, do you think today will be my day to go"?

I broke into sobs thinking what I should say, as I thought, my answer came, only Heavenly Father knows that, but I'm sure today will be lots of fun, because I'm sure tomorrow will always come."

Dad did you know from then it was a daily question. With tears in your eyes you'd find me and say, "I think today is the day and I'm really scared. Take care of your mother, she'll need help along the way. I love her so much and don't want to leave her alone, but she is strong and is faithful and will make it I know!"

Dad did you know of my guilt on really hard day when frustration took over is some angry ways.

Over flowing toilets, the fire the flood. My plea to the Father went something like this, an hour at a time today is too much, let's try a minute, I think I can do that.

It shouldn't be about me, he feels lost and alone in this big scary world where he doesn't know where to go. Father protect him, love him and make him feel safe, my abilities a are small, but you can make small things great!

Dad did you know the last week of your life I wished I could suffer your pain and your strife. Your pain was so strong, we didn't know what to do except give you medicine every few minutes because overdosing at this point was not a concern. Unconscious, I sat by your side for three days without sleeping. In case you woke up I wanted you to see me, not the dark.

Dad did you know when Friday came your suffering in this earthly life would come to an end? Being unconscious for six days at 5:30 a.m. you opened you eyes to see your family once again.

You opened your eye but didn't see us, your earthly eyes were gone, it was with your spiritual eyes you were seeing. There were angels round about you filling up the room. You looked from side to side and a sweet smile of eternal peace came over you face

The vail was so thin I felt them too, what a glorious feeling, they had come for you. Now it turned to 6:04 and you closed your eyes. Holding your hand next to you I felt your spirit leave and soar. But in my selfishness I cried "Lord GIVE HIM BACK!" How could I live my life without you. My wedding, my children, everything to come. Dad, I need you there!

Dad did you know for a year and a half I haven't been able to share my feelings. I love you so much, life gets lonely without you. I don't want to think you will never come home. My heart still breaks when I look at your picture, but I sit next to you each day and we still have our talks. I know where you are and it's where you belong. I know the Father welcomed you. With open arms he tearfully said my Son, welcome home.

I love you Dad!

Oopse

I forgot to mention in the blog before that the highlight of my day is that I am wearing fake lavender diamond earrings to match my lavender pj's...now that is exciting!!! and I think I'm going to facebook that.

No Subject...

I was so excited to blog today because I have some fun pictures I wanted to post. But my pictures won't download...how frustrating. But I'm sure I'll figure it out later. So I will just say that last nights visit to the ER was much less exciting than most. No surgery problems thank heavens but a bladder infection...

Seriously????

(This is exhausting me!)

I think I might ask to be put into a coma and just wake me up when I am better. But make the coma be one where I am on a beach with beautiful green-blue water and bamboo wind chimes swaying in the breeze. where I have a perfect dream man next to me where our every wish is met by our handsome cabana boy...ok maybe I'll stop there, but that is the coma I want :0)

Are we not all mothers?

I have an amazing mother, and I know so many mothers who fit into the same category. But, I also think there are some very insensitive women who glorify themselves because they hold the title of motherhood (and to all of my friends, I am not talking to you, I love you all). What about all the "non-mothers" who are equally amazing because they are worthy women of the church. In a talk given by Sheri Dew in the General Relief Society Meeting in September 2001 she stated:

"As daughters of our Heavenly Father, and as daughter of Eve, we are all mothers, and we have always been mothers. And we each have the responsibility to love and help lead the rising generation."

"As mothers in Israel, we are the Lord's secret weapon. Our influence comes from a divine endowment that has been in place from the beginning"

"For mother is the word that will define a righteous woman made perfect in the highest degree of the celestial kingdom, a woman who has qualified for eternal increase in posterity, wisdom, joy and influence."

How refreshing to have someone who understands (to a degree) where I am coming from. I haven't felt upset at all since my hysterectomy until Sunday. I shouldn't have to feel bad about myself for the trial Heavenly Father gave to me, and I don't. But, I do have a problem when some mothers think they are better than me.

I don't want to end this on a bad note because I feel better now that I have vented, so every one think of puppies and kitties and we can all feel good :0)

I've got something to say

I have the sweetest family, immediate and extended. My cousin and his wife came over to see me Friday night and I hope they know it meant the world to me (even though I was informed they did have other places they could have gone) :0) These very special people have come to visit me several times while I have been recuperating. When you have been laid up for as long as I have it gets VERY LONELY! It is so fun to get to know people as adults and not just remember how we were in 7th-12th grade. I love these people and I wanted them to know it!

TMI about my belly button.

During my surgery the doctor made 3 small incisions in my abdomen and then one in my belly button. Everything is healing very nicely except the incision in my belly button. I have no stitches or staples I am being held together with GLUE, yeah GLUE (I think I have mentioned that before). The glue in my belly button was just a glob and the beginning and pieces would break off and slowly it was going away. But now there is a bulge inside (I'm thinking it might be a hernia) and it is starting to cover over the rest of the glue inside. Now there is just a hunk of glue that feels like glass cutting into me every time I move or bend and I can't get it out. I talked to the nurse today and she said I needed to see the doctor. So, I am going tomorrow to hopefully get it fixed and I think it is going to hurt really bad! But, after the doctor, I'm going shopping at wal-mart and I get to ride around in the embarrassing cart that screams please stare at me! Then I'll see if I can decrease the amount of displays I run into...It's a humility thing I think!

P.S.
Still not sleeping. How sad is this, I just looked at the clock and it is only 11:38 which means I know I have about 4-5 hours until I usually fall asleep. To bad I am in too much pain to do anything productive.

Pumpkin fairytales...

Once upon a time there was a faithful Madden in a

land where sugar and potatoes were plentiful.

The Madden felt very sick most of the time

and looked a lot like this.

After many years of suffering, mean doctors, surgeries

and many hospital stays, which could have had a tragic end with

a bite of the most feared beast in the land, the chicken.

The Madden found a doctor that might have

the answer. They called him the Man in Red.

His first idea was a terrible one. The magic shot turned

out to be strange and curious disease called "THE CHANGE"

which made men cry and little children run away.

It was even more feared than the chicken beast.

The hardest question was now to be asked, could the possibility

of a fairytale ending still come with out the possibility of bearing a child of her own.

The answer was yes, and she had the courage to do it.

So the surgery began.

(The Man in Red did most of the work, this was just an assistant)
As the faithful Madden was "gutted" (for a lack of better word) she knew
it may take a while, but she would soon be feeling like all

the other maddens in the land, perhaps like this...

And eventually there will be a happily ever after....

(Not to bad for my first fairytale huh?)

REALLY STUPID!!!

I know that everyone does stupid things, has stupid accidents or embarrassing moments, although I would have to contend I may have the biggest list!

Lets take a gander through last night. I get up to go to the bathroom (pretty normal right). I am finally standing and sitting on my own and I am fairly confident with my own abilities. Walking back to my chair I step on a pillow and start to fall, and in what seemed like slow motion I'm yelling (in my head) hhoollyy ccrraapp tthhiiss iiss ggooiinngg ttoo hhuurrt!!!! As my knee's hit the ground and my stomach hit the end of the recliner all I could think of was did I just bust open my gut, and are all of my innards now outtards.

I'll spare all the details of getting off the floor, crying, back into the chair, crying, a mother who makes everything better, more crying, a little dry heaving, pain meds and laying sleepless and in pain for the next 6 hours. I am happy to announce that all organs are in their proper order and the doctor said I should be ok but, if I start bleeding to go strait to the ER, otherwise, nothin' to worry about...

SERIOUSLY???

GREAT NEWS!!!

HA!

Made ya look :o)

(I'm getting a little desperate)

Pre-Surgery 101

I have been down this road to surgery before and I am pretty good at the preparations. But a good review always helps. We all know that when we get on that surgery table we are in our birthday suits until they decide to cover us with the large blue paper towel so these are my top three tip before surgery.

1. Shaving - I'm sure it's not attractive to lay there and let everyone see your leg hairs are long enough to be braided. I know my insides aren't going to be attractive, but there's nothing I can to about that. So, I will shave (but I don't want to do it too soon because I don't want to do it twice this week.)

2. Nails - I don't know if anyone else out there has ugly toes (a few years ago I studied at my dad's toes for the first time and I know where mine came from) but I like to polish them to make them look as much like normal as I can. A word of warning: if your finger nails are painted a dark color they will make you take it off because it screws up the oxygen monitor on your finger. So this time I am going for a bright pink on my toes and light shimmery pink (called first kiss) on my fingers!

3. Shower - This is a must have either the night before or the morning of surgery. That's right, nobody wants to stink underneath that blue paper towel. And, that's about all I have to say about that...

Then before you leave for the hospital there are some things you should have ready at home for your return.

1. Crackers, ice chips and diet coke. This is for all the nausea your going to have every time you move.

2. This could be the most important. You will definitely need entertainment. So if you don't have enough, borrow books and movies. This is also a time to do some simple sewing projects like cross stitching, crocheting, embroidery. Or there is the inevitable sleep from your pain induced coma.

3. And don't forget the endless supply of internet access so you can have contact with someone from the outside world so you don't go completely insane. This is a 2 recovery process we are talking about.

Best of all is the amazing nurse you have to take care of you, in my case my mom, until I run her ragged and then we may have to pay for a nanny service, or hire my niece to babysit me :0)

Relief

I know. No second guessing. The answer is clear. I am at peace. I'm in horrible pain, but at peace. I'm scared to death, but at peace. I desperately want to have my own babies, but I'm at peace. I KNOW. After 17 years of struggles, 7 surgeries and wondering why the Lord had forsaken me I now have the answer. He didn't forsake me. If I would have had a hysterectomy any earlier in my life it would have ruined me. I needed to have a mind and heart that were whole and healed. I didn't have that before now. What a true testament to me that there is a time and a season for everything. The Lords timetable is what we need to follow even if it takes 17 years. He knows when the time is right, and that time is now. I KNOW.

Grateful

I have to say that I sat down to write another post and I was going to call it "Ramblings of an insane woman" (pretty clever I know, I'll save that for later). But instead I realized that I need to give a shout out to all my peeps (I have to say that because I am a blubbering mess right now, and it makes me feel like a gangster and I think that is funny). I am realizing more and more how much love and support I have from my friends and family. I didn't want anyone to think I hadn't noticed and I am so GRATEFUL!! You will never know how your comments truly touch my heart and give me hope!

THANKS PEEPS :O)

Calm

Beginning the Calm

It is the 9 day count down to surgery. Nine days until a decision I am making will change my life forever. I keep praying and hoping for another conformation that I have made the right decision. I had a moment of clarity but I still second guess myself. But then I am brought back to the reality of the possibility of cancer. Watching my dad die from cancer, I know that is not something I ever want to face. So, I decided this is going to be a week of calm. A week to trust my instincts and know everything is in the hands of the Lord.

Bleeding hearts

Bleeding hearts have always been one of my

favorite flowers. I love the color, the shape and popping

them open... Anyway I love them.

I have had a lot of time to sit and think lately.

Because of so much pain I've also done lots of

soul searching. I know this surgery is going to change my life,

but I don't want it to ruin me.

I am a firm believer that, for example,

if you pray for patience, God will give

you a trial to see how well you do. I promise

IT WILL HAPPEN!!!

But I want to embrace this challenge

(now doesn't that just sound like I am asking for something even harder to come?)

I want to be a woman of faith.

A woman who is strong and of good courage.

I have a need to prove myself to others all of the time, but

this is different. I don't want to prove to other people

I'm a survivor, I need to prove it to myself.

I guess we'll see how long this lasts. I'm glad I wrote this down

because the next time I'm in intense pain I may have to look back on

this as a reminder that I'm not giving up :0)

Pizza and A Movie

I am so blessed to have the calling that I do. I love being an activity day leader. Friday night we had pizza and a movie at my house. When the pizza came the girls were lining up and talking about how much pizza they usually eat. The consensus was about 2-3 pieces. Then one of the girls said "but sometimes it's just a 6 or 7 slice day". Now isn't that the truth!

My 8 girls and my awesome partner Sam.

So Pleased (grandpa gee said it was wrong to be proud)

Everyday I am in awe of something my nieces and nephews do. Cute Ashlyn called and asked if my mom and I wanted to do Personal Progress with her (Diana is also doing it with her). She just went into Young Women's and she is so excited about getting all the projects started and studying the scriptures. I went with her to the Young Women's Broadcast and at the beginning when it showed the prophet she made a little gasp and a huge smile came over her face. It was so fun to watch the beginning of her journey. I hope I can keep up, I'm already behind. She has three faith and two divine nature goals already going or done, I'm on faith #1.

In the background Diana is teaching my mom all about Personal Progress. This is going to be a great project for all 4 of us!

My Sweet Partner

My activity day partner is such a sweet friend of mine. I was telling her about my insomnia and how I hadn't slept for a day or two. She said to me "I think I might have your answer." She was very excited and went upstairs. She came down saying I might think she was crazy, but that I should at least give it a try. This is what she gave me..."Canine Lullabies"...I did think she was a little crazy. She has two dogs that are very...active... She saw this in Cal-Ranch and thought it might help calm them. That night she got her family together on her bed and they were listening to it and laughing and the all of the sudden her husband fell asleep. He was also having trouble sleeping... The next day she went back to Cal-Ranch and bought all (15) they had left (the price had gone down from $15.99 to .99 - go figure). So she thought it might have the same effect on me, at least it didn't put her dog to sleep and that is what made her think of me :0) I have to admit, I haven't listened to it yet, but I think the closer I get to surgery I may have to try it!

Pray, He is there.

"Be strong and of good courage:

be not afraid.

Neither be thou dismayed:

for the Lord thy God is with thee

whithersoever thou goest."

Joshua 1:9

I hope that includes the operating room! I went to the doctor this morning and the news was not good. I am terrified and very humbled. I did know that I had a cyst with a benign tumor inside, or at least that is what the ultrasound tech told me....

The doctor said that the fluid in the cyst is pre-cancerous because of the type of tumor that is in it and it has to be removed. But the even scarier part is that when he is removing it if he knicks it the fluid will leak out and the cancerous cells will spill into my entire abdomen. That would be VERY bad. So he will try to cut around it but he said it is very rare to save the ovary in this situation.

If he does have to take the ovary out then he will do a complete hysterectomy, scrape out all the scar tissue and burn off any endometriosis that might be left. Sounds lovely doesn't it?

This is the news I have been terrified to hear and adding all of the cancer stuff makes it even more terrifying! The surgery is scheduled for April 19th. I am a little angry that i have to wait that long, but with how complicated the surgery is there has to be 2 specialists in the OR instead of one. If there is a cancellation I could get in earlier so lets all hope for someone to get cold feet!

Heavy heart

I have had this news for so many days and I, Shelley-share-all, haven't been able to find the words or the courage to face the facts. All of the excruciating pain I had before I started taking the menopause shots has come back. I went back to the doctor and we were talking surgery.

My doctor wanted to run some tests first to see what was going on. I went and had a CT scan and few hours later a nurse called and said that I needed to come in for an ultrasound the next day >que scary music!< Finally when I got back in the room they said they had found a mass growing in my lower left abdomen. I thought "Oh, this is just great, maybe in the next room over there is a firing squad, and I'll take that room please!"

Long story short...the ultrasound showed my ovary is swollen, I have a large cyst on it and I have a small cyst like tumor growing inside the cyst, but it's not cancer. I go back on Monday and I am assuming we will set the surgery date. Whether or not a hysterectomy will be a part of it, I'm not sure yet.

P.S. For your own safety, advising me to "just get a hysterectomy and get it over with" is not in your best interest. I know for those who already have children or those who's every dream of a happy and fulfilling future doesn't involves having children, may not understand. But, I am the exact opposite and wouldn't have suffered so long and been through so much if every fiber of my being didn't ache to have my own child grow inside of me. Oh, I also know all about adoption.... :0) Not that I am sensitive about this topic or anything... One a lighter note I just saw a lady on tv with a beard. See I still have a sense of humor :o)

Things you didn't know!

So I decided a post like this one is really not about confessions, it is more about me telling everyone about things you didn't know. Let's begin.

1. When I was in first grade I was convinced that I had learned to tie my shoes in Spanish. No one believed me, but to this day I know I was tying them different than the normal way. I just have no way to prove it!

2. The most beautiful language in the world, and the one I wish I understood better is Sign Language. I had clients who had no way of communication except for a few signs, which made me what to learn. I took 2 semesters in college but but forgotten a lot of it. I would love to relearn and become fluent!

3. When I was in high school one of my friends and I had a favorite after school snack. We loved to melt/soften a tootsie roll on top of a tortilla chip. It's that whole sweet and salty thing. I think I'm going to have to try that again.

4. In our car and truck we have handicapped signs. My mom has to use a cane to walk most of the time and so we have them for her. I have to admit that there have been a few...ummmm... many times when I've parked in those coveted spots, sometimes when my fibromyalgia is bad, and sometimes when I feel just fine. If I am feeling ok I feel like I have to fake a limp or some other ailment because I feel guilty. So if you ever see me limping into walmart, don't blow my cover!

5. Hi, my name is Shelley and I am an addict! Not your regular coke, dope, meth or alcoholic (did I get those names right) I am completely addicted to lipstick!!! The excitement of thinking about the purchase, the thrill of the hunt, the anticipation of the first application...exciting isn't it! An intervention may be in my future.

6. Sometimes when I'm shopping, on the treadmill, really anytime I have time to think to myself I either get a huge smile on my face, or I burst out laughing. Why you might ask? Because I think of the most hilarious things in my head! I make up funny situations, think of funny things that could happen to people (I said funny, not mean) or I make up jokes. Now this is a little embarrassing. If you ever see me all alone laughing hysterically maybe I just told myself a joke :D

Aren't you so glad you know more of my secrets and quirks? Stay tuned, because believe it or not, I still have more to come! Now it's your turn! What's quirky about you?

Bumper cars!

I didn't even know that bumper cars existed any more,

except at Lagoon, and I was really shocked

to find out that there were some in IF.

These are my action shots!

Cute Ellie was ready for a big bang!

Hailey was thinking pretty hard as to who she
would ram next.

Cambria just couldn't stop laughing.

I think Sam was in shock.

Ashlyn had fun hitting everyone in sight.

This was such a good day. I feel very blessed for the
time I get to spend with them. Their parents

have taught them well. My nieces and nephews are so

well behaved and polite, they are one of

the biggest joys in my life.

Did I mention that I LOVE THEM!!

Gee ball

Here we have it, the future of Gee basketball.

Jeff's girls definitely have skill!

Cambria guarding

and taking that all important foul shot!

Hailey isn't quite as serious.

She tends to go with the flow

Jeff coaches Cambria, and was doing the scoring

this day for Hailey's team. He is a very dedicated dad!

It was a high scoring game!

Both of the games were so much fun to watch.

Weekend fun!

Now this is what I call a weekend of fun!

My cousin Kelli is an amazing hair stylist

and she specialized in color. Being the very sweet person

she is, she offered to do everyones hair (no charge) and I

gladly accepted!! Kelli assured that my hair would look like

it had been kissed by the sun...but at first I thought she was going

for the skunk look, strait down the middle!

It turned out beautiful and I love it, I have been kissed!

Kelli, my aunt Colene and my uncle Ron came down for the blessing

of their niece/granddaughter Claire Joyce Graham.

Claire's parents, Annie and Garth, are going

to BYU-I and while they have been here they have felt more

like a brother an sister to me than a cousin and her husband.

The day after the blessing those still around got together and had dinner and

played games. My mom is in the pink, then it's Garth and Annie,
Colene and Ron, me (just got out of the hospital 2 day's before and I was

still SO sick) and then there were Garth's parents. We had so much fun,

and what a group of amazing people!

Books for dummies...

I am embarrassed to say that I have had my laptop for about 9 months and I still can't figure it all out. So yes I bought the book Windows 7 for dummies. I have so many pictures to post but they won't download. There will be an explosion of pictures when I figure it out. Just give me another oh, 9 months :0)

Confessions: Do you really know me??

Do you ever wonder if people would really like you if they knew some of your weird, strange or quirky secrets?? I know that "true" friends always over look the weird, strange or quirky, so cheers to true friends.

Confessions:

~I am scared to buy bananas. On National Geographic they said that giant jungle spiders get into banana boxes that are shipped into the US and when you innocently try to pick up a bunch you could die a painful death from one bite of this 8 legged monster. I hate spiders!!

~I religiously watch survival shows because I am completely petrified I am going to get into a freak accident and get eaten by a bear, attacked by a shark, kidnapped at gunpoint, locked in a trunk, lost in the desert, in a plane crash, lost at sea, get stranded on a glacier, you get the picture. I want to be prepared because with my luck "freak accidents" are definitely in my future!

~When I am going to cry, just before the tears come, I get a sharp stabbing pain in my left nostril, go figure.

~After 32 years of doctor appointments and hospital stays I still get extremely nervous and have heart palpitations waiting for the doctor walk into the room, and I still cry every time I find out I have to go to the hospital. But, then I think about visitors (and gifts) and I get over it pretty quick :0).

~What makes me most happy other than being with family, extended family and friends? Laughing. Finding humor in how chaotic, stressful, crazy and unbelievable life can be. This doesn't always happen, but at least once a day I have to laugh at how much life can suck at times.

~Most embarrassing moment? Surprisingly NOT the plunger story, and that is all I'm going to say!

~I'm a reality show junkie (don't judge me)! I love watching the food network (learning cooking/baking secrets), HGTV (learning how to decorate) and lots of others shows I will never admit too :0)

~Most common dream? Parking my car somewhere and never being able to find it again and going on an amazing vacation but forgetting to pack!

I think I've confessed enough for one day, but i am sure there will be more in the future!

Great news

I know that this won't sound as cool as to other people as it does to me, but today is the first day I feel good in probably a month. I am actually going to do my hair today and maybe put on a little lipstick to bring out my wild self (I hope it doesn't set off an asthma attack)! So, to celebrate, I'm going to WAL-MART >collective aaahhh<. I may even go to Deseret Book, even though that is a very dangerous place for people who are "shopping challenged".

And...that's not all, I am proud to announce that after several months I have pretty much learned to use my (relatively) new camera. Now this means I can resume my love of photography. Most of you know this because I say it all the time, but I did win a high school photography contest.

The End

You can just call me RAD

In my last post I said I was going to the doctor to try to find more answers as to why I always feel like crap. I did get an answer that will solve some of my problems. I found out that I am totally RAD, or you could just say that I have Reactive Airway Disease. It has a lot to do with asthma which I already knew I had, the doctor just defined it a little better by saying the my lungs are chronically obstructed. That is why I always have a cough!

My immediate thought was "AM I EVER GOING TO CATCH A BREAK!!!!!!!!!!!!" I do not want to spend the rest of my life on steroids and all of their side effects (the two most evil words in the world WEIGHT GAIN, which started my problem in the first place) and after those 5 seconds elapsed the doctor said "I want to put you on inhaled steroids which don't have any side effects!" YAHOO!!!!!! That made the news almost bearable.

So, I will continue to sit here with my inhaled steroids, tissues, humidifier, nebulizer, cough drops, and a great love story on the Hallmark channel and hope this cold/RAD episode will go away quickly. OOOHHH, my mom just bought me jello!

Reflections...

I have been doing a lot of soul searching over the past month. Reflecting on my life and commiserating about my health problems and how it seem SOOOO unfair that it seems I can NEVER seem to catch a break. A song came to my mind from the movie Mullon (sp).

Look at me
you may think you see who I really am
but you'll never know me
Every day
it's as if I play a part
now I see
I can fool the world
but I cannot fool my heart

Who is this girl I see
staring straight back at me
why is my reflection someone I don't know
must I pretend that I'm
someone else for all time
when will my reflection show
who I am inside

In reality I do know who I am, but my health problems have been preventing me from being the person I so desperately want to be. I want to be up everyday enjoying life, shopping, hanging out with friends, going to movies, parties, heck I don't care if it was dragging main street I just want to HAVE A LIFE!!! A friend recently asked me what I was going to do to fix those health problems. I have to say I was in shock because I am doing everything I can to fix them. I'm going to the doctor tomorrow to see if he can figure out ANYTHING different I can do. i also have the number for a PA, who I have heard is really good, that I might try if tomorrow doesn't pan out. Other than that I am at a complete loss.

I do have faith that everything happens for a reason and "shall be for my good" . I am holding on, but there must be something that I am missing because this has been a 30 year trial and I haven't got it right yet! By the way, it is 2:13 in the morning so if I have lots of mistakes I blame it on that and sinus medication :o)

Christmas Stash

So I did say in an earlier post that Santa though someone was VERY good this year. Because my mom gives all of us money for Christmas we buy all of our own presents and have it be a surprise for everyone else :o) This is what I bought (with a little of my own money too, even though I got it on an insane sale it was still pricey). I still haven't completely figured out how to use it, but I am getting close.

Then, I received a back payment from our lovely government so I treated myself to something I have wanted for a long time!

This is the new ipod nano with a touch screen, and YES I have fallen in love with it!!! Well, as much as I can fall in love with something that I just figured out how to charge...quit laughing, my brain is on overload and I can almost feel the steam coming out of my ears. By the 8th (the first anniversary of my dad's death) if I haven't had a complete nervous breakdown and been put in Blackfoot south (the psych hospital) I think I might make it through the year. So pray for me, unless you have secret feelings of wanting my institutionalized. Anyway, back to the ipod, tomorrow I have to feel it full of my favorite songs so I can be ready to start my first day of exercise in the new year, on Monday. Ok, I said it, now there is no turning back.....Lanette, we need to talk :o)