HUMmmmm

***If your not feeling supportive of me

today don't bother reading any further***

There is a lot to think about when you have been awake since 3am. There are so many thoughts going through my head about my dad. Lots of I should haves, wish I would haves, why didn't I do more of this, why did I do that, and why did I get so impatient when he would ask the same question over and over and over and over again. I guess the big question is why do I allow Satan to put these thoughts in my head? Of course I could have done things better, there is always room for improvement in most aspects of all of our lives. But, how do other people go day by day and just handle it, and why does it feel like it is destroying me. Intellectually I know I was here for my dad and I did everything humanly possible to take care of him...I did my best. But, why do I feel my best is never good enough?

My health is also taking a nose dive!!! I was talking to my doctor and he said that when you are a primary caregiver most of your physical problems are lessened because you just can't deal with it and then when the person is gone you are hit full force with whatever you was going on physically. So I feel completely horrible and it is a bunch of random things. I have had SEVERAL migraines, a consistent headache for about 4 weeks now (not counting the migraines), I have a swollen gland, and ear ache, I'm dizzy and I feel like I am going to pass out all the time, my stomach is always upset and I keep throwing up (but I did lose 6 lbs in 3 days...I am still weighing the pros and cons to that one) and I am not sleeping...well does 3-4 hours a night for 2 weeks count? Plus my fibromyalgia is killing me, this morning I am having a hard time letting my clothes touch me because I hurt so bad. I know a lot of it is related to stress, we just can't make it go away.

As I have been writing this Heavenly Father blessed me with a memory. I think everyday my dad came to me and gave me one of those hugs that just make you feel safe. Each time he would get teary and say "I don't know what I would do without you. We couldn't make it if you weren't here" Wow, that's enough to make me cry. And every night after family prayer he would say "I love you Sherry" (most of the time he got it right but it was hilarious when he didn't). Then I would say something about it and he would cover his mouth and laugh until we all ended up crying.

I LOVE YOU DAD!!!