To Dad...I love you

On this birthday I wrapped my dad's chocolates in

duct tape so he could use his knife to open it!

Dad did you know?

Dad did you know when I came to stay with you I questioned all my knowledge?

My experience with special needs was priceless for me to know.

But for you to need that special help I plead all I knew you'd never have to know.

Dad did you know our adventures together sometimes made me crazy?

The broken down truck, beings stung by the bee's, but not all adventures turned out like these.

Everyday drives turned into musical road shows with windows rolled down and the oldies a rockin'.

Dad did you know afternoons on the swing meant so much to me. I laughed at your farm stories, especially "the puss-eyed" cow, but I learned so much more from the man you are. We had teary talks of your sweet testimony and how you wanted your family to be: "faithful in the church know matter how hard things get, because we will be an eternal family and I won't take anything less."

Dad did you know conversations on the swing soon changed for all time.

Instead of happy cheerful talks a question came that still haunts my mind..

"Shelley, things aren't go so well, I know, do you think today will be my day to go"?

I broke into sobs thinking what I should say, as I thought, my answer came, only Heavenly Father knows that, but I'm sure today will be lots of fun, because I'm sure tomorrow will always come."

Dad did you know from then it was a daily question. With tears in your eyes you'd find me and say, "I think today is the day and I'm really scared. Take care of your mother, she'll need help along the way. I love her so much and don't want to leave her alone, but she is strong and is faithful and will make it I know!"

Dad did you know of my guilt on really hard day when frustration took over is some angry ways.

Over flowing toilets, the fire the flood. My plea to the Father went something like this, an hour at a time today is too much, let's try a minute, I think I can do that.

It shouldn't be about me, he feels lost and alone in this big scary world where he doesn't know where to go. Father protect him, love him and make him feel safe, my abilities a are small, but you can make small things great!

Dad did you know the last week of your life I wished I could suffer your pain and your strife. Your pain was so strong, we didn't know what to do except give you medicine every few minutes because overdosing at this point was not a concern. Unconscious, I sat by your side for three days without sleeping. In case you woke up I wanted you to see me, not the dark.

Dad did you know when Friday came your suffering in this earthly life would come to an end? Being unconscious for six days at 5:30 a.m. you opened you eyes to see your family once again.

You opened your eye but didn't see us, your earthly eyes were gone, it was with your spiritual eyes you were seeing. There were angels round about you filling up the room. You looked from side to side and a sweet smile of eternal peace came over you face

The vail was so thin I felt them too, what a glorious feeling, they had come for you. Now it turned to 6:04 and you closed your eyes. Holding your hand next to you I felt your spirit leave and soar. But in my selfishness I cried "Lord GIVE HIM BACK!" How could I live my life without you. My wedding, my children, everything to come. Dad, I need you there!

Dad did you know for a year and a half I haven't been able to share my feelings. I love you so much, life gets lonely without you. I don't want to think you will never come home. My heart still breaks when I look at your picture, but I sit next to you each day and we still have our talks. I know where you are and it's where you belong. I know the Father welcomed you. With open arms he tearfully said my Son, welcome home.

I love you Dad!

Oopse

I forgot to mention in the blog before that the highlight of my day is that I am wearing fake lavender diamond earrings to match my lavender pj's...now that is exciting!!! and I think I'm going to facebook that.

No Subject...

I was so excited to blog today because I have some fun pictures I wanted to post. But my pictures won't download...how frustrating. But I'm sure I'll figure it out later. So I will just say that last nights visit to the ER was much less exciting than most. No surgery problems thank heavens but a bladder infection...

Seriously????

(This is exhausting me!)

I think I might ask to be put into a coma and just wake me up when I am better. But make the coma be one where I am on a beach with beautiful green-blue water and bamboo wind chimes swaying in the breeze. where I have a perfect dream man next to me where our every wish is met by our handsome cabana boy...ok maybe I'll stop there, but that is the coma I want :0)

Are we not all mothers?

I have an amazing mother, and I know so many mothers who fit into the same category. But, I also think there are some very insensitive women who glorify themselves because they hold the title of motherhood (and to all of my friends, I am not talking to you, I love you all). What about all the "non-mothers" who are equally amazing because they are worthy women of the church. In a talk given by Sheri Dew in the General Relief Society Meeting in September 2001 she stated:

"As daughters of our Heavenly Father, and as daughter of Eve, we are all mothers, and we have always been mothers. And we each have the responsibility to love and help lead the rising generation."

"As mothers in Israel, we are the Lord's secret weapon. Our influence comes from a divine endowment that has been in place from the beginning"

"For mother is the word that will define a righteous woman made perfect in the highest degree of the celestial kingdom, a woman who has qualified for eternal increase in posterity, wisdom, joy and influence."

How refreshing to have someone who understands (to a degree) where I am coming from. I haven't felt upset at all since my hysterectomy until Sunday. I shouldn't have to feel bad about myself for the trial Heavenly Father gave to me, and I don't. But, I do have a problem when some mothers think they are better than me.

I don't want to end this on a bad note because I feel better now that I have vented, so every one think of puppies and kitties and we can all feel good :0)

I've got something to say

I have the sweetest family, immediate and extended. My cousin and his wife came over to see me Friday night and I hope they know it meant the world to me (even though I was informed they did have other places they could have gone) :0) These very special people have come to visit me several times while I have been recuperating. When you have been laid up for as long as I have it gets VERY LONELY! It is so fun to get to know people as adults and not just remember how we were in 7th-12th grade. I love these people and I wanted them to know it!

TMI about my belly button.

During my surgery the doctor made 3 small incisions in my abdomen and then one in my belly button. Everything is healing very nicely except the incision in my belly button. I have no stitches or staples I am being held together with GLUE, yeah GLUE (I think I have mentioned that before). The glue in my belly button was just a glob and the beginning and pieces would break off and slowly it was going away. But now there is a bulge inside (I'm thinking it might be a hernia) and it is starting to cover over the rest of the glue inside. Now there is just a hunk of glue that feels like glass cutting into me every time I move or bend and I can't get it out. I talked to the nurse today and she said I needed to see the doctor. So, I am going tomorrow to hopefully get it fixed and I think it is going to hurt really bad! But, after the doctor, I'm going shopping at wal-mart and I get to ride around in the embarrassing cart that screams please stare at me! Then I'll see if I can decrease the amount of displays I run into...It's a humility thing I think!

P.S.
Still not sleeping. How sad is this, I just looked at the clock and it is only 11:38 which means I know I have about 4-5 hours until I usually fall asleep. To bad I am in too much pain to do anything productive.